So here's what you missed on Glee. Puck tried to steal an ATM
and got himself stuck in juvie. As far as badasses go, I'm number one.
Sam and Quinn are sort of a couple,
and so are Mike and Tina.
Artie and Brittany went out,
but then he sort of dumped her,
and now he sort of wants her back.
Kurt's pretty lonely
all by himself, and so is Coach Beiste.
Sue keeps trying to get her to quit.
Are those dog poop cookies?
And that's what you missed on Glee.
Phew.
Ooh. Dude.
How do you stand that cold tub?
I'm used to cold showers dating Quinn.
No.
How about a little something-something?
A little something-something
always leads to something more.
I've been there, remember?
When we're prom king and queen, it will feel
just as good as a little something-something.
Been there, dude.
Actually, still there now, but
how did we find the only two girls
in high school that won't put out?
What do you do, though?
Well, easy.
I just think about the opposite of what I'm doing.
(grunts) (screaming) Oh, my God!
I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before.
Well, you have to find something to be your own buzz kill.
You know, something that is total not hot.
BEISTE: I don't care!
If you're on this football team,
you'll wear a cup, no exceptions!
Hey, have you ever noticed
that when the Beiste gets all fired up,
her underpants go right up her butt?
...in your groin with that helmet?
You think The Nutcracker's just a musical?
Looks like I've found my mailman. Yes, you did.
Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX
and FORD. Drive One.
I take it we have a lot of sweater trains
to look forward to this season.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Fine.
(school bell ringing)
All right, guys, let's get down to business.
First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman.
(applause)
Puck, I hope your time in juvie
has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.
Are you kidding me? I ruled that place.
All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.
QUINN: Wow, what a catch.
Can't believe I ever let you go.
And now, drum roll, Finn.
Because I have in my hand
our competition for Sectionals next month.
(applause and cheering)
First, the a capella choir
from the all-boys' private school in Westerville,
the Dalton Academy Warblers.
(cheering)
Okay, hold up.
Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.
And the other team to beat--
The Hipsters,
a first-year club
from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program.
Now, they are a glee club
composed entirely of elderly people
getting their high school GEDs. Is that legal?
How are we supposed to compete against
a bunch of adorable old people?
Are you kidding? Brittle bones.
Give one of those old ladies a good-luck pat on the rear,
it'll shatter her pelvis.
WILL: Moving on. Since it seemed
to get you guys jazzed about Sectionals last year,
I want to make this week
our second annual Boys Versus Girls tournament.
(cheering and whooping) Yes!
So, split up into two groups,
and figure out what songs you're going to sing.
Great. Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my head.
Kurt, gonna say it again-- boys' team.
MERCEDES: Okay, how about y'all...?
SAM: I say we do a whole AC/DC.
Like, the lead guitarist,
like, drops his pants at every concert.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Pants here...
(school bell ringing)
I know it's not my place to ask,
but can you push me down the back staircase?
My injuries should be the same, but it's more lightly populated,
so the humiliation won't be as bad.
Relax. I'm here to take care of you.
You're my boy now. I don't understand.
I got out of juvie early
because I agreed to do community service,
but I ain't pickin' up trash along the freeway.
That's ghetto.
So I told my probie officer that I knew
a cripple that needed some help. She went for it.
I'm your community service?
There's no way I'm going back to juvie.
There's no chicks and no kosher meal options up in that place.
Cool. So we're, like, friends.
Oh, slow down, Professor X.
I never said anything about liking you.
Now shut up right quick.
We're going to steal some food
from the cafeteria.
This chair's a great place for hiding stuff.
What is your problem?!
You talking back to me?
You want a piece of The Fury?
The Fury? That's what I named my fist.
Well, with that level of creativity, you could easily
become assistant manager at a rendering plant.
I don't know what that is, but if I find out it's bad,
The Fury's going to find you.
(slamming)
(school bell ringing)
Is there anything that I could do?
(sighing): No.
This is my hill to climb alone.
Can I be honest?
I think it's getting to you.
Usually this stuff rolls right off your back,
but lately, you've been belligerent,
angry, pushing people away.
Can I be honest with you?
You, like everyone else at this school,
are too quick to let homophobia slide.
And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive.
Boys Versus Girls?
That doesn't challenge any of us.
You mean, because I didn't let you
join the girls like you wanted?
To answer your question, yes, I'm unhappy.
And yes, being the only
out gay kid at this school gets me down,
but most of all,
I'm not challenged in the least here.
(school bell ringing)
WILL: Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here.
I've totally done that.
We're just making an adjustment.
Boys, you are now doing songs
traditionally sung by girl groups.
And girls, try some classic rock--
uh, the Who, the Stones.
The more opposite your choice, the more points you get.
Don't worry, gentlemen.
I have this one under control.
Now, obviously, for this medley to work,
I'm going to have to sing lead,
and, of course, when you're singing Diana Ross,
Bob Mackie-esque maribou feather boas are a must.
Isn't this lesson about opposites?
I mean, you in a sequined gown and a feather boa
is exactly what you'd expect.
Okay, who said anything about a gown?
Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful,
and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O,
or visit the garglers? The Warblers.
Whatever. See what they're up to.
And you can wear all the feathers you want.
You'll blend right in.
(sighs) Fine.
(whispering): Is this hot enough for you?
(puckers lips)
(softly): Say my name, Sam.
I said, say my name.
(door slamming)
I said, say my name.
Beiste.
(mumbles)
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I could do this for hours.
I know what I heard.
There we were, making out, and he said it: "Beiste."
I think he was picturing making out with her.
That is the most horrific image I can imagine.
Coach, I need help.
I've done everything I can
to rehabilitate my image.
I'm getting straight A's,
dating the cutest guy at school.
Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk.
Oh, dear God, why did I say that?
Now that's what I'm picturing.
Do you know what kind of disgusting images
I'm going to have to look at
to get this out of my head?
I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center.
I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.
Coach, I really don't know what to do.
Wait.
This may be the opportunity I've been waiting for.
A way to get Beiste out of this school
and your Macaulay Culkin
stunt double back in your arms.
What do I have to do?
We need to go public with your pain.
Get people talking about this,
make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau.
And you need to give him a piece of your mind.
Loud and in public.
Show him who's the boss.
Oh, man.
Now I'm picturing the two of them
making out during an episode of Who's the Boss?
(school bell ringing)
Shouldn't you be studying geometry?
Aren't you failing?
One thing I learned in juvie?
Cash is king.
Lets people know we're not doing it for free.
Wait, you think people are going to pay us to sing?
I don't think busking is allowed in school.
Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair.
(Bob Marley's "One Love" begins)
This is so, so badass.
I've never broken the rules like this.
♪ One love ♪
♪ One heart ♪
♪ Let's get together and feel all right ♪
♪ Hear the children crying ♪
♪ One love ♪
♪ Hear the children crying ♪
♪ One heart ♪
BOTH: ♪ Sayin' give thanks and praise ♪
♪ To the Lord and I will feel all right ♪
♪ Sayin' ♪
BOTH: ♪ Let's get together and feel all right ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
ARTIE: ♪ Let them all pass all their dirty remarks ♪
♪ There is one question I'd really love to ask ♪
♪ One heart ♪
♪ Is there a place for the hopeless sinner ♪
♪ Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own? ♪
ARTIE: ♪ Believe me ♪
♪ One love ♪
♪ What about the one heart? ♪
♪ One heart ♪ ♪ What about love? ♪
♪ Let's get together and feel all right ♪
♪ As it was in the beginning ♪
♪ One love ♪
♪ So shall it be in the end ♪
♪ One heart ♪ ♪ All right ♪
♪ Give thanks and praise to the Lord ♪ ♪ Oh ♪
BOTH: ♪ And I will feel all right ♪
ARTIE: ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Let's get together and feel all right. ♪
(applause)
Holy crap, there's, like, 300 bucks in here.
Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount
on the value of talent plus fear.
I can. It's about 300 bucks.
What are we going to do with it?
Buy a butt load of clove cigarettes, then I don't know.
You want her?
You don't need any cash for that. She's free.
She was my first.
Now I-I think I want her back.
So go get her.
It's not that simple.
I was kind of mean to her when I blew her off.
This is perfect. The thing about chicks is you only have
to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them
to get them to like you again.
So what do we do?
Here's a little community service coming at you.
You and I are gonna take this dough
and go on a double date
with Santana and Brittany to the Styx.
Yeah!
Best community servicer ever, right?
(excited shouts, whooping)
Excuse me.
Um, hi. Can I
ask you a question? I'm new here.
My name's Blaine.
Kurt.
So, what exactly is going on?
The Warblers. Every now and then
they throw an impromptu performance
in the senior commons.
It tends to shut the school down for a while.
So, wait, the glee club here is kind of cool?
The Warblers are like rock stars.
Come on. I know a shortcut.
♪ ♪
(excited chatter, whooping)
Oh, I stick out like a sore thumb.
Well, next time don't forget your jacket, new kid.
You'll fit right in.
(boys singing rhythm) Now, if you'll excuse me.
♪ Before you met me ♪
♪ I was all right ♪
♪ But things were kind of heavy ♪
♪ You brought me to life ♪
♪ Now every February ♪
♪ You'll be my Valentine ♪
♪ Valentine ♪
♪ Let's go all ♪
♪ The way tonight ♪
♪ No regrets ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Just love ♪
♪ We can dance ♪
♪ Until we die, you and I ♪
♪ Will be young forever ♪
♪ You make me ♪
♪ Feel like I'm living a ♪
♪ Teenage dream ♪
♪ The way you turn me on ♪
♪ I can't sleep ♪
♪ Let's run away ♪
♪ And don't ever look back ♪
♪ Don't every look ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ All the way ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ No regrets ♪
♪ Just love ♪
♪ We can dance ♪
♪ Until we die ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Will be young forever ♪
♪ You make me ♪
♪ Feel like I'm living a ♪
♪ Teenage dream, the way you turn me on ♪
♪ I can't sleep, let's run away ♪
♪ And don't ever look back ♪
♪ Don't ever look, I'm gonna get ♪
♪ Your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans ♪
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
♪ Ooh, ah... ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Ah... ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ Yeah...! ♪
♪ You make me ♪
♪ Feel like I'm living a ♪
♪ Teenage dream ♪
♪ The way you turn me on ♪
♪ I can't sleep ♪
♪ Let's run away and don't ♪
♪ Ever look back ♪
♪ Don't ever look back ♪
♪ My heart ♪
♪ Stops when you look at me ♪
♪ Just one touch, now, baby ♪
♪ I believe ♪
♪ This is real ♪
♪ So take a chance and don't ever look back ♪
♪ Don't ever look back ♪ ♪ I'm gonna get your ♪
♪ Heart racing in my skin-tight jeans ♪
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
♪ Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans ♪
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight. ♪
(cheering, shouts)
(whooping)
TINA: Wait. That's hilarious.
Picturing Beiste helps cool you off?
That's what Sam said.
Really?
Well, then let's get a room.
I love making out under the stars.
With those abs, you could be my very own situation.
Slow down.
Can't get caught in here.
We should probably cool off.
But I'm so turned on right now.
This'll cool you down a little bit.
(whispers): Beiste.
What did you say?
Nothing.
I got to go.
I'll see you in Glee Club.
(whispers): Beiste?
QUINN: Just be honest with me-- I won't get mad
at you if you tell me the truth.
I'll be relieved.
Really? Because it looks like you're gonna be mad
no matter what I say.
You said another woman's name while you were kissing me.
Look, I get it--
she's in a position of power over you,
which can be exciting, and you clearly
like women who give you a hard time.
I'm not cheating on you with my football coach.
Look, can we talk about this in private?
Why, am I embarrassing you? It's not what you think.
What I think is that I'm not putting out for you,
so you're getting it wherever you can,
including the locker room with the Beiste.
What's this?
This is a lovers quarrel and is your fault.
Watch your tone with me, missy.
You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off.
I'll leave you two.
Everything okay?
Stay away from my woman.
What hell's going on around here?
What's going on, Sam?
How many of the guys have done this?
All the guys whose girlfriends won't put out.
It's the girls, too.
This is really bad, guys.
What if Coach Beiste were to find out about it?
Think about how hurt she'd be.
It's not personal.
Of course it's personal!
Look, Coach Beiste
is like us, like Glee Club--
she's an outsider at this school.
No one appreciates her or her talent,
because they've decided that she's too different.
And for you guys to abuse that, even in private,
is the opposite of everything we're trying to achieve in here.
But we're just thinking about it,
it's not like we're actually, you know,
making fun of her to her face.
I need you to stop.
And spread the word to all the other Glee guys. And girls.
This ends here and now.
And Coach Beiste can never know about this.
Okay.
Sorry.
(bell rings)
BLAINE: Latte? Thank you.
This is Wes
and David.
It's very civilized
for you to invite me for coffee
before you beat me up for spying.
We are not going to beat you up. You were such a terrible spy,
we thought it was sort of... endearing.
Which made me think that spying on us
wasn't really the reason you came.
Can I ask you guys a question?
Are you guys all gay?
(laughter)
BLAINE: Uh, uh, no.
I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends.
This is not a gay school.
We just have a zero-tolerance
harassment policy.
Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are.
It's pretty simple.
Would you guys excuse us?
Yeah. Take it easy, Kurt.
I take it you're having trouble at school.
I'm the only person out of the closet at my school.
And I-I... I tried to stay strong about it,
but... there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission
to make my life a living hell.
And nobody seems to notice.
I know how you feel.
I got taunted at my old school,
and it really... pissed me off.
I even complained about it to the faculty,
and they were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that...
nobody really cared.
It was, like,
"Hey, if you're gay, your life's just gonna be miserable.
Sorry. Nothing we can do about it."
So I left, and I came here.
Simple as that.
So you have two options.
I mean, I'd love to tell you to just come enroll here,
but tuition at Dalton's sort of steep, and I know
that's not an option for everybody.
Or...
you can refuse to be the victim.
Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt,
and you have a chance
right now to teach him.
How?
Confront him.
Call him out.
I ran... Kurt.
I didn't stand up.
I let bullies chase me away,
and it is something that I really... really regret.
(bell rings)
The boys beat us the last time we competed against them.
We've got to bring the noise hard this time.
QUINN: To be fair, they didn't officially beat us.
We got busted for vitamin D possession before the vote.
Wait. Something's definitely wrong.
Why isn't Rachel talking? Yeah, she should
totally be bossing us around right now.
The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite
or what we normally do.
I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is
proving nearly impossible
since you're gluing those sequins on backwards.
Spies!
Lighten up-- we're here
to talk to Santana and Brittany.
PUCK (quietly): Remember, don't trust your instincts.
Hmm. So, how does it feel to be a free man?
All I can say is that I don't want
a long-term relationship with either of you.
Especially Brittany, since I'm not in love with her.
Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?
Not really.
Oh. Tell you what,
you two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00.
If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight,
we might show up.
(gasps)
You are totally cool.
Awesome.
I can't believe it.
You're a genius.
(bell rings)
Hey, Will,
can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah. What's going on with your Glee Club kids?
They've been mouthing off to me.
One of them even said to stay away from their girl?
I-I don't get it.
You know, I'm the coach here, Will,
and if the students here don't respect me...
pfft, I can't do my job.
(sighs) Well, Coach...
I... I don't know what to tell you.
Will, please, be straight with me.
You're the only person
at this school I trust.
Please.
(sighs)
Why don't you have a seat?
Uh...
Th-Th-This is really awful,
and I don't want you to take it personally.
I mean, they're just kids.
You-you know how they can be.
Just-just tell me.
(sighs)
I-I guess...
it's... become sort of a-a thing,
that... when the kids are making out, and...
Th-Th-They sort of want to... cool off a little...
They think of you.
In compromising positions.
(sighs)
Like what?
Like...
in lingerie...
Oh...
Coach, don't take it personally.
I do take it personally, Will.
(sighs)
I take it very, very personally.
No. Sh-Shannon.
Shannon, wait. I...
(groans)
(school bell rings)
So there I was. At juvie.
In the breakfast line in the mess hall.
When I notice me and this guy behind me
going for the same waffle.
This guy's 6'11",
300, easy. He's got his teeth filed into canines.
Tats everywhere. Oh, it gets better.
So I turn around.
I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec,
and I say to the guy...
"L'eggo my Eggo."
And you know what he does?
He lets go of my Eggo.
Right.
You should be our nation's president.
Maybe.
I've been squeezing your leg
for, like, the last hour and a half.
Are you not attracted to me?
Sorry. I was really distracted by our waitress.
She's totally into me.
I can take that when you're ready.
All right, guys. Let's move.
This meal has been comped.
What?
Dude, I don't pay for food.
It's my thing, yo.
So we're going to dine and dash.
Let's go.
Do you need any change?
Keep it.
Thanks.
What the hell was that about?
Sorry. I couldn't do it.
She gave us free refills.
And I figure she's got kids.
I'm not gonna do that to her.
Whatever, dude. You wussed out.
So have fun taking the short bus home,
'cause I'll be escorting these lovely ladies
back to Chez Puckerman for a little sookie-sookie.
Wait, seriously?
Damn straight.
I'm giving you all my trade secrets here.
If you don't want my help, then fine.
You're on your own.
(Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" plays)
♪ Start me up ♪
♪ Oh, Tommy used to work on the docks ♪
♪ Union's been on strike ♪
♪ He's down on his luck, it's tough ♪
♪ Oh, so tough ♪
♪ Oh, we got to hold on, ready or not ♪
♪ You live for the fight when that's all that you've got ♪
♪ Start me up ♪
♪ We're halfway there ♪
♪ Oh, living on a prayer ♪
♪ If you start me up ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Kick on the starter ♪
♪ Give it all you've got ♪
♪ You gotta, you gotta ♪
♪ I can't compete ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh ♪
♪ With the riders in the other heat ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I'll make a grown man cry ♪
♪ I'll make a grown man give it a shot ♪
♪ Start me up ♪
♪ We're halfway there ♪
♪ Oh, living on a prayer ♪
♪ Living on a prayer ♪
♪ Oh, we gotta hold on, ready or not ♪
♪ You live for the fight when that's all that you've got ♪
♪ Oh, we're halfway there ♪ ♪ We're halfway there ♪
♪ Oh, living on a prayer ♪ ♪ Living on a prayer ♪
♪ Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear ♪
♪ Whoa, we're living on a prayer ♪
♪ Living on a prayer ♪
♪ You gotta start me up ♪
(guys cheering)
WILL: Ladies, very, very impressive.
What was it that made you guys choose those songs?
Well...
Coach said to give you this.
Take a good look, William.
Because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you.
To my left, I have one
confetti cannon.
To my right,
you'll find another confetti cannon.
You know what that means?
(sighs) No, Sue.
We got Beiste fired.
And my full budget is restored.
(remote beeps)
(laughing maniacally)
Wait, what?
Well, actually she quit.
But I'll take the W.
And it was your kids that made it happen, Will.
It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense
about how awesome it is
to be alive or ugly or whatever
the point is you guys are always trying to make.
And instead?
They just got mean.
Congratulations, Will.
Wait, Coach Beiste quit?
I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan.
You want me to sign it into your palm?
And, now, if you'll excuse me...
And if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up,
that'd be great.
(school bell rings)
Hey!
I am talking to you!
Girls' locker room is next door.
What is your problem?
Excuse me? What are you so scared of?
Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?
Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare
that all of us gays are secretly out
to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock?
You're not my type! That right?
Yes, I don't dig on chubby boys
who sweat too much and are going to be bald
by the time they're 30.
Do not push me, Hummel.
You going to hit me?
Do it. Don't push me!
Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am.
You can't punch the gay out of me any more
than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
I said get out of my face!
You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle
how extraordinarily ordinary you are!
(grunts in frustration)
(school bell rings)
Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy
because Coach Beiste has quit.
Wait, what? That's terrible.
Yeah, that's not what we want.
That's the opposite of what we want.
The football team was actually winning.
Well, then, you'd better put your heads together
and find a way to get her back, fast,
because I am actually ashamed of you.
You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.
I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?
No, no. It's us. The boys.
And Tina.
We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste
while making out was even better than a cold shower.
I-I mean, I don't...
Ever.
Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
SANTANA: Can I just say that this is
what happens when people don't put out?
If everyone just put out,
we would have a winning football team.
William.
I need to see you and Noah Puckerman in my office, please.
This is garbage!
I've been doing my community service.
When you wrote "hangin' with a crip"
on your probation application,
we thought you were going to do outreach with a local gang.
But I've totally been helping Artie.
I got him a date. I made him some sweet cash.
Please, Mr. Shue, you've got to help me out here.
Ms. Martin, there's got to be some way Puck
can make up for this.
He's been a model student since he got back.
Three whole days worth. Impressive.
Look, there are rules.
If Mr. Puckerman doesn't find a suitable alternative
for his community service by tomorrow,
his probation will be revoked,
and he'll have to go back to the Mondale School for the Boys.
Oh, screw that. I am not going back there.
Mr. Puckerman, calm down!
No, you calm down!
All of you, calm down!
I told you, I'm not going back there!
What are you writing? Give me that.
Puck, this isn't helping!
Helping? Since when does any one of you care about helping me?
None of you care about me!
(clattering)
(school bell rings)
KURT: Thanks again for coming.
Don't worry about it. Just let me do the talking.
KURT: There he is.
I got your back.
BLAINE: Excuse me?
Hey, lady boys.
This your boyfriend, Kurt?
Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.
I gotta go to class.
Kurt told me what you did.
Oh yeah, what's that?
You kissed me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It seems like you might be a little confused,
and that's totally normal.
This is a... a very hard thing
to come to terms with, and you should just know
that you're not alone.
Do not mess with me.
You have to stop this!
Well, he's not coming out anytime soon.
What's going on?
Why are you so upset?
(exhales) Because up until yesterday, I had never been kissed.
Or at least... one that counted.
Come on.
I'll buy you lunch.
(sniffles)
Didn't make you for a quitter.
Don't, Will.
You have no idea what it's like.
For what it's worth... the kids feel awful.
They like you.
They respect you.
Isn't that just what every girl wants to hear from a guy?
Nah, screw this.
I'll find my bliss somewhere else.
I... I need a life change.
You know, maybe I'll get a job as a cooler at a honky-tonk bar.
I don't know, maybe an ice road trucker.
Stop.
Will you just stop?
I get it.
All of us are scarred by high school.
You know, next to our parents,
nothing screws a person up more.
(laughs) And-and people like us, we're stupid enough
to come back here and relive that pain every day.
(laughs) Right? Yeah.
(sighs)
I'm not gay, you know.
I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but...
deep down inside where no one can see,
I'm just a girl.
A-Am I nuts that I just want to be reminded of that sometimes?
Well, that's what dating is for.
(sighs) Last... date I went on, the guy was a freak.
All he wanted to do was wrestle.
Well, let me help you out, then.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys out... No, there aren't.
I'm kind of a specific type.
Well, you got to put yourself out there,
try online dating...
I've never been kissed, Will.
(sighs)
It's the simplest thing.
A kiss.
It's a doorway to everything else,
you know?
Promise, hope...
of a future with someone.
What does that say about me?
I'm 40, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet.
♪ ♪
What that says to me...
is that you are a beautiful...
amazing woman...
whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.
You really think I'm pretty, Will?
Inside and out.
♪ ♪
And now you've been kissed.
(laughs softly)
Hey, come to the choir room tomorrow at 4:00.
The guys want to apologize to you
in person.
You tricking me into a make-out session, Schuester?
(both laugh)
(bell rings)
I didn't see you in geometry today.
Jackpot. No, you didn't.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm skipping town, genius.
My probation officer says hanging out with you
isn't real community service, so if I don't spend
the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway,
they're gonna send me back to juvie.
So, what's wrong with picking up trash?
Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude.
I'm not a garbage man.
You know how humiliating that is?
I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to juvie.
Why? I thought you loved it there.
Yeah?
I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude.
On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me,
and before the security guards could pull them off,
they'd already tore out my nipple ring.
I thought I was a badass?
There are some hard dudes in there.
Guys with no families, guys who look at you
like you're some kind of dog they can't wait
to kick the crap out of.
And they kept taking my waffles.
So... you be my community service.
What?
I owe you-- you got me a date with Brittany.
You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do.
I really like hanging out
with you, so... let me tutor you in geometry
while you pick up garbage by the highway.
Geometry's easy, yo.
There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you
not to get at least a B.
I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.
Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.
(bell rings)
Running out without paying was a stupid idea.
If I got caught, I'd be screwed.
You need to start hanging around
someone who's a good influence on you, Puck.
Give me six weeks, if you don't ace your geometry midterm,
I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat.
That's dope, dude.
You got a deal.
♪ ♪
I don't get it.
It's... boys against the girls,
but... what's the winner get?
Uh, we were hoping for your forgiveness.
SAM: Yeah. We just wanted to apologize
for hurting your feelings.
Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome.
And even though you're all hard and tough
on the outside, it doesn't mean you're not
the opposite on the inside.
Like a chocolate turtle.
Totally. You're nougaty,
and we totally get that now.
You're like a mash-up.
Why don't you guys just get to the song.
Totally.
This mash-up is dedicated to you, Coach.
Hard and badass on one hand, and...
soft and girly on the other.
We hope it makes you smile,
'cause when you smile, you're pretty,
and it lights up the room.
Seriously.
♪ Here we go! ♪
♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪
♪ Before you break my heart ♪
♪ Think it over ♪ ♪ I wear tight clothing ♪
♪ High-heel shoes ♪
♪ It doesn't mean that I'm a prostitute ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ I like rap music ♪
♪ Wear hip-hop clothes ♪
♪ That doesn't mean that I'm out selling dope ♪
♪ No, no, no ♪ ♪ Ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Before you can meet me, you've got to learn how to see me ♪
♪ I said ♪
♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪
♪ Before you break my heart ♪
♪ Think it over ♪ ♪ Free your mind, and the rest will follow ♪
♪ Think it over ♪ ♪ Be color-blind ♪
♪ Don't be so shallow ♪
♪ I've known of your ♪
♪ Your secluded nights ♪
♪ I've even seen her maybe once or twice ♪
♪ But it's a sweet expression ♪
♪ Worth more than my love and affection ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪ ♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Before you can meet me, you've got ♪
♪ To learn how to see me, I said ♪
♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪
♪ Before you break my heart ♪
♪ Think it over ♪ ♪ Free your mind ♪
♪ And the rest will follow ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Be color-blind ♪
♪ Don't be so shallow ♪
♪ Don't break my heart ♪ ♪ Stop ♪
♪ In the name of love ♪
♪ Free your mind ♪
♪ Stop ♪ ♪ Oh, free your mind ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪ ♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Before you can meet me, you've got to learn ♪
♪ How to see me, I said ♪
♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪
♪ Before you break my heart ♪
♪ Free your mind ♪ ♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪
♪ Before you break my heart ♪
♪ Oh, think it over ♪
♪ Free your mind ♪
♪ And the rest ♪
♪ Will stop! ♪
(cheering, whooping, clapping)
That was really good.
I liked it.
Thank you.
Get over here!
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